It’s a deeply multi-faceted issue that is only going to get significantly worse before it gets any better.
While I do have a degree under my belt, I consider myself to have fallen into the state of being the so called ‘disconnected’ man. Rather than partaking in life as we know it I find myself drowning in many of the surrogate behaviors laced throughout this piece.
I think one of the main drivers is a mass pessimism and a zero-sum attitude, taught at the hands of the system.
Men get told what a good life is, men get taught what to chase… but unless you’re at the forefront of technology and innovation, the wave just leaves you behind to crumble.
While humanity lurches forward towards more complex technological ends, the systems previously forged by the hands of men to improve society, our own lives, the ones that act as the foundation for this exploration, have become normal parts of life, losing their once shiny and wonderful nature in the process.
While the importance and meaning of these roles get lost in translation, everybody from below sees the small group of guys at the top, riding the wave, winning, while they work hard just to reap what feels like an ever decreasing pool of resources.
It pits us against one another, tells us only some can win while the others just fall into oblivion.
The message this carries, is brutal. Men have lost the agency and the path to win.
I discovered you via this fantastic post & already restacked a few of your (excellent) points. For context: I'm an independent journalist & mom of 4 sons, now all young adults. I've been writing & talking about (& living w & working to address) boys' issues for 2+ decades now. That's the lens I bring to this & I think you've nailed and named things that other miss. I look forward to reading & learning more.
It strikes me, like it seems to strike you too, that spirituality may be one of the last hopes of rebuilding community across these groups. When we’re so separated in terms of where we live, work, play, etc. what is something that we still have in common and can practice together? Is there anything other than spirituality?
I would go farther and say that organized religion, not just spirituality, is going to be crucial for rebuilding male social circles. People can be 'spiritual, but not religious' by themselves; it's going to church regularly that lets you connect with others and build ties that extend beyond your household.
As someone who's felt called to enter the mental health space to focus on men and boys due to the struggles they uniquely face, this is an extremely well-researched piece to better equip my colleagues and me.
It's easy to say all men are struggling or that they are lonely - but in fact, men who go to places like the YMCA, a place of worship, or engage in volunteer opportunities exercise agency and are connecting.
I believe in a society that does not think in a zero-sum way, but rather lifts up each sex. Right now, we've either pathologized all men or have dismissed their problems completely because of the fear that the 'patriarchy' will just take over again.
Great post! It often seems like my news feed repackages near-perennial problems to look like news. Because the problems are presented as new, the express or implied solutions to these problems often come across as easy, as nipping problems in the bud. Instead, as you point out regarding the problem of non-degree male alienation, it will take the "generational work of rebirth and renewal — of our relationships, our communities, our culture, and our institutions."
Great social movements often come out of awakenings, as you point out. Beyond giving birth to these movements, the challenge, I think, is the generational work of maintaining them. It's difficult for this to happen if the generational pattern is cyclical, as it has been for so long in Western nations (see, e.g., the work of William Strauss and Neil Howe regarding cycles of spiritual renewal and civil crises in England and the U.S. dating back to the 16th Century). Orienting our society to more community-oriented ways of being will take a great deal of nurture and modeling, befitting the necessary "rebirth and renewal." Speaking of which, thank you for the link to "The New American Awakening," which you and Pete Davis had published on After Babel. It's encouraging to read about these examples of nascent civic renewal.
Thanks for writing this thoughtful piece. My hypothesis is that the key drivers here are a decline in marriage rates and in religious attendance. Men with college degrees are more likely to get married, and married men are more likely to have close connections; the same is likely true of religious men.
Personally, I've always found church to be a great place to make new friends--and marriage has also been a huge benefit for me socially.
I really appreciate your writing and this piece. Your timing is impeccable, I recently presented a project on how TikTok users portray gendered differences when talking about loneliness. And this rubs up against some of what I found...and furthers the problem.
Your piece is, first of all, the ONLY piece I've read on male loneliness that acknowledges women's loneliness has risen TO THE SAME DEGREE as men's. This is such a big small win it's stupid. But that was the majority of the extent put toward all humans.
Yes, is the percentage of men who are lonely a bit higher than women's? Yes. But to insist that there's a male loneliness epidemic when loneliness is clearly rising among all people at the same alarming rates is to continue prioritizing othering Americans based on gender and validating said othering. (To say nothing of how non-binary people must feel, who aren't even represented in most of these surveys.) These survey results also rarely discuss - or the writers rarely do anyway - the racial breakdown of male loneliness. Which further feeds the encouragement of the White assumption and frames loneliness as a white man's problem, which makes it "more important." It's validating the argument that white men need even more attention, while women continue to suffer silently. When was the last time there was a female loneliness crisis in American? You want to know what's happening to women who don't get college educations? They become baby factories shoved into kitchens for no one to see or hear from - a silent death that I don't see anyone talking about, because it's too busy being cheered over as "the joys of motherhood!". We're all too busy being angry at the (white) trad-wives because we believe they've all chosen that life based on a few loud voices. The number of women trapped - many being verbally, mentally, physically, and/or sexually abused by these same lonely men who claim to be "loving husbands" - is growing. Studies show men rely heavily on a romantic partner to curtail their loneliness. What happens when their wives are lonely too?
The conversation of the "male loneliness epidemic" continues to be flattened by the fact that we continue to heavily view loneliness as a gendered issue. (And, imo, it's flattened by the focused, seemingly intentional at times, lack of how race plays into loneliness.) If we can view loneliness as a human issue, as a community issue, and address the problem holistically (a prohibition would be excellent - there are too many women falling into alcohol and prescription additions as a result of loneliness too) we'd be able to start solving things. But as long as we continue insisting that key social elements of life only effect one gender, we're going to keep seeing the same discrimnatory, increasingly violent results.
I feel like the economic story deserves more attention here in terms of solutions.
We need more prosperous career paths for men without college degrees. Additionally, we need to make college more affordable, especially for degree programs that lead to in-demand jobs in growing areas of the economy. This will help more men (and women) see college as viable.
We also need to shift the conversation about what constitutes meaningful work. Our culture has conditioned young men to believe that certain types of service work are not “masculine”. This stereotype needs to be challenged. And we will need stronger union protections so that men and women in the growing service sector — like healthcare, IT, and the trades — can command better wages and benefits.
Finally, while men and women struggle in different ways, I wish we could more often discuss men’s and women’s challenges as interconnected.
Men are suffering from the long-term effects of deindustrialization, the decline of civic institutions, and the elimination of lucrative jobs that don’t require a college degree. Women continue to be segregated into some of the lowest-paying sectors, face a persistent wage gap, and perform the majority of unpaid care work. These challenges share a common root: a federal gov’t and private sector that, since the rise of neoliberalism 50 years ago, have frequently sought to undermine our social safety net, middle-class prosperity, and sources of social capital — all to funnel resources to top earners and corporations. As a result, many working class men and women are experiencing alienation, disconnection, and economic deprivation.
Margaret Thatcher said, “There is no such thing as society.” Reagan famously said, “Government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem.” These statements promote hyper-individualism and uber-privatization, concepts that have eroded our civic fabric, welfare state, and middle-class economy. They have created a permission structure for private capital to maximize its gains at the expense of working people and have sent a message that community is not important.
I do wonder if the Bachelor-qualified are assessing their friendship circles properly. There are those studies of asking people in a workplace to list who their work friends are, and then matching the lists, and some people list a heap, and yet nobody lists them. My observation is that many high-education people aren't very socially switched-on. They have networks, not friends.
This is great analysis. In addition to YMCA-like institutions, I would also think expanding national service opportunities could be an incredible boon in solving some of the loneliness crisis across the spectrum -- giving young Americans team-based experiences, structure, and opportunities to meet people who are different from themselves. It also tends to help people build their civic muscle and take those civic skills and meaning-making into whatever is next for them. Thinking about how to revamp national service to make it bigger and more intentional in how it meets these needs could be a powerful, scalable way to start solving this problem while also meeting the needs of communities across the country.
Just yesterday I listened to Richard Reeves interview with Gavin Newsom. One of the core drivers Reeves talks about, which I don't see you mention, is how the woman's liberation movement up-ended the traditional male role and has left many young men and boys struggling to figure out their place in society.
In his interview, I was really struck about how Reeves defines masculinity as about "service" and as being "relational." Such cultural definitions dovetail nicely with -- and will need to underpin -- the excellent solutions you propose.
fuck- this is some great writing and analysis.
It’s a deeply multi-faceted issue that is only going to get significantly worse before it gets any better.
While I do have a degree under my belt, I consider myself to have fallen into the state of being the so called ‘disconnected’ man. Rather than partaking in life as we know it I find myself drowning in many of the surrogate behaviors laced throughout this piece.
I think one of the main drivers is a mass pessimism and a zero-sum attitude, taught at the hands of the system.
Men get told what a good life is, men get taught what to chase… but unless you’re at the forefront of technology and innovation, the wave just leaves you behind to crumble.
While humanity lurches forward towards more complex technological ends, the systems previously forged by the hands of men to improve society, our own lives, the ones that act as the foundation for this exploration, have become normal parts of life, losing their once shiny and wonderful nature in the process.
While the importance and meaning of these roles get lost in translation, everybody from below sees the small group of guys at the top, riding the wave, winning, while they work hard just to reap what feels like an ever decreasing pool of resources.
It pits us against one another, tells us only some can win while the others just fall into oblivion.
The message this carries, is brutal. Men have lost the agency and the path to win.
I discovered you via this fantastic post & already restacked a few of your (excellent) points. For context: I'm an independent journalist & mom of 4 sons, now all young adults. I've been writing & talking about (& living w & working to address) boys' issues for 2+ decades now. That's the lens I bring to this & I think you've nailed and named things that other miss. I look forward to reading & learning more.
Super eye opening. Thanks so much for this.
It strikes me, like it seems to strike you too, that spirituality may be one of the last hopes of rebuilding community across these groups. When we’re so separated in terms of where we live, work, play, etc. what is something that we still have in common and can practice together? Is there anything other than spirituality?
I would go farther and say that organized religion, not just spirituality, is going to be crucial for rebuilding male social circles. People can be 'spiritual, but not religious' by themselves; it's going to church regularly that lets you connect with others and build ties that extend beyond your household.
i agree that there must be a commitment to practicing together regularly
This was great
As someone who's felt called to enter the mental health space to focus on men and boys due to the struggles they uniquely face, this is an extremely well-researched piece to better equip my colleagues and me.
It's easy to say all men are struggling or that they are lonely - but in fact, men who go to places like the YMCA, a place of worship, or engage in volunteer opportunities exercise agency and are connecting.
I believe in a society that does not think in a zero-sum way, but rather lifts up each sex. Right now, we've either pathologized all men or have dismissed their problems completely because of the fear that the 'patriarchy' will just take over again.
Great post! It often seems like my news feed repackages near-perennial problems to look like news. Because the problems are presented as new, the express or implied solutions to these problems often come across as easy, as nipping problems in the bud. Instead, as you point out regarding the problem of non-degree male alienation, it will take the "generational work of rebirth and renewal — of our relationships, our communities, our culture, and our institutions."
Great social movements often come out of awakenings, as you point out. Beyond giving birth to these movements, the challenge, I think, is the generational work of maintaining them. It's difficult for this to happen if the generational pattern is cyclical, as it has been for so long in Western nations (see, e.g., the work of William Strauss and Neil Howe regarding cycles of spiritual renewal and civil crises in England and the U.S. dating back to the 16th Century). Orienting our society to more community-oriented ways of being will take a great deal of nurture and modeling, befitting the necessary "rebirth and renewal." Speaking of which, thank you for the link to "The New American Awakening," which you and Pete Davis had published on After Babel. It's encouraging to read about these examples of nascent civic renewal.
Thanks for writing this thoughtful piece. My hypothesis is that the key drivers here are a decline in marriage rates and in religious attendance. Men with college degrees are more likely to get married, and married men are more likely to have close connections; the same is likely true of religious men.
Personally, I've always found church to be a great place to make new friends--and marriage has also been a huge benefit for me socially.
IMO we have to get comfortable with male-only civic groups. E.g. maybe it was a mistake for the YMCA to start admitting women.
I really appreciate your writing and this piece. Your timing is impeccable, I recently presented a project on how TikTok users portray gendered differences when talking about loneliness. And this rubs up against some of what I found...and furthers the problem.
Your piece is, first of all, the ONLY piece I've read on male loneliness that acknowledges women's loneliness has risen TO THE SAME DEGREE as men's. This is such a big small win it's stupid. But that was the majority of the extent put toward all humans.
Yes, is the percentage of men who are lonely a bit higher than women's? Yes. But to insist that there's a male loneliness epidemic when loneliness is clearly rising among all people at the same alarming rates is to continue prioritizing othering Americans based on gender and validating said othering. (To say nothing of how non-binary people must feel, who aren't even represented in most of these surveys.) These survey results also rarely discuss - or the writers rarely do anyway - the racial breakdown of male loneliness. Which further feeds the encouragement of the White assumption and frames loneliness as a white man's problem, which makes it "more important." It's validating the argument that white men need even more attention, while women continue to suffer silently. When was the last time there was a female loneliness crisis in American? You want to know what's happening to women who don't get college educations? They become baby factories shoved into kitchens for no one to see or hear from - a silent death that I don't see anyone talking about, because it's too busy being cheered over as "the joys of motherhood!". We're all too busy being angry at the (white) trad-wives because we believe they've all chosen that life based on a few loud voices. The number of women trapped - many being verbally, mentally, physically, and/or sexually abused by these same lonely men who claim to be "loving husbands" - is growing. Studies show men rely heavily on a romantic partner to curtail their loneliness. What happens when their wives are lonely too?
The conversation of the "male loneliness epidemic" continues to be flattened by the fact that we continue to heavily view loneliness as a gendered issue. (And, imo, it's flattened by the focused, seemingly intentional at times, lack of how race plays into loneliness.) If we can view loneliness as a human issue, as a community issue, and address the problem holistically (a prohibition would be excellent - there are too many women falling into alcohol and prescription additions as a result of loneliness too) we'd be able to start solving things. But as long as we continue insisting that key social elements of life only effect one gender, we're going to keep seeing the same discrimnatory, increasingly violent results.
Excellent post, thank you!
I feel like the economic story deserves more attention here in terms of solutions.
We need more prosperous career paths for men without college degrees. Additionally, we need to make college more affordable, especially for degree programs that lead to in-demand jobs in growing areas of the economy. This will help more men (and women) see college as viable.
We also need to shift the conversation about what constitutes meaningful work. Our culture has conditioned young men to believe that certain types of service work are not “masculine”. This stereotype needs to be challenged. And we will need stronger union protections so that men and women in the growing service sector — like healthcare, IT, and the trades — can command better wages and benefits.
Finally, while men and women struggle in different ways, I wish we could more often discuss men’s and women’s challenges as interconnected.
Men are suffering from the long-term effects of deindustrialization, the decline of civic institutions, and the elimination of lucrative jobs that don’t require a college degree. Women continue to be segregated into some of the lowest-paying sectors, face a persistent wage gap, and perform the majority of unpaid care work. These challenges share a common root: a federal gov’t and private sector that, since the rise of neoliberalism 50 years ago, have frequently sought to undermine our social safety net, middle-class prosperity, and sources of social capital — all to funnel resources to top earners and corporations. As a result, many working class men and women are experiencing alienation, disconnection, and economic deprivation.
Margaret Thatcher said, “There is no such thing as society.” Reagan famously said, “Government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem.” These statements promote hyper-individualism and uber-privatization, concepts that have eroded our civic fabric, welfare state, and middle-class economy. They have created a permission structure for private capital to maximize its gains at the expense of working people and have sent a message that community is not important.
I do wonder if the Bachelor-qualified are assessing their friendship circles properly. There are those studies of asking people in a workplace to list who their work friends are, and then matching the lists, and some people list a heap, and yet nobody lists them. My observation is that many high-education people aren't very socially switched-on. They have networks, not friends.
Men are in a zero sum competition with each other for mates, once you realise that everything is obvious
This is great analysis. In addition to YMCA-like institutions, I would also think expanding national service opportunities could be an incredible boon in solving some of the loneliness crisis across the spectrum -- giving young Americans team-based experiences, structure, and opportunities to meet people who are different from themselves. It also tends to help people build their civic muscle and take those civic skills and meaning-making into whatever is next for them. Thinking about how to revamp national service to make it bigger and more intentional in how it meets these needs could be a powerful, scalable way to start solving this problem while also meeting the needs of communities across the country.
Fantastic piece, Sam!
Just yesterday I listened to Richard Reeves interview with Gavin Newsom. One of the core drivers Reeves talks about, which I don't see you mention, is how the woman's liberation movement up-ended the traditional male role and has left many young men and boys struggling to figure out their place in society.
In his interview, I was really struck about how Reeves defines masculinity as about "service" and as being "relational." Such cultural definitions dovetail nicely with -- and will need to underpin -- the excellent solutions you propose.
Check out it starting at about 27:30: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4soca4ACUtc&t=1655s