We interviewed 30 men without degrees. Most are almost completely disconnected, but they don’t want to be — they’re yearning to connect and contribute, and they just need to be called in.
i've only read this essay so far. excited to read the full report. but i'm curious if these men have attempted to engage with local religious communities, men's groups, or other accessible spaces where they might find connection and form new relationships.
also, i'm curious about the relational dynamics with the people they work with. do they struggle to form relationships through work as well?
As a first generation college student who has had to learn the skills of connection, it's a challenging uphill climb to learn something that is inherited by most people at a subconscious level in early childhood.
A key part of being able to be relational is having a strong connection to Self, and being able to hold that connection in relationships is the challenge. The depth of a relationship is based on the degree to which you can maintain that connection to Self while being connected in relationship.
I think the real challenge in inviting these men into relationship is making the space for the men who are likely out of step with the community in some ways. This creates friction as the community wants to move faster than the men are ready to move. Slowing our modern life down to make space for real connecting is critical to forming those bonds.
Thanks David for sharing. I deeply resonate with your experience. I've been describing the sense of belonging that you are writing about almost like another sensory experience. When you aren't connected/belonging in those three dimensions, you can kind of sense that you are missing something, but you aren't totally sure. But when you have it, it's like a whole new field of vision and way of being.
Sam and team, thank you for this important piece and for making the invisible visible. I know I will be thinking about this in the weeks and months ahead.
In my experience of long-term loneliness (though as a highly educated woman), I'd like to offer that it is possible to yearn for connection, have the opportunities to connect, and still not find the meaningful relationships you're looking for. To be clear, I absolutely agree that we need more safe, communal structures/spaces that we can participate in and belong to, in addition to substantive policy changes that strengthen the material foundation for working-class life.
But I have also seen that those who have not been connected for a long time develop patterns and behaviours that maintain their loneliness, many of which are automatic and even subconscious, and no amount of yearning or opportunity can override them. For example, hypervigilance to social threat, fear of intimacy and cognitive distortions around rejection. How they are addressed will vary by population (e.g., meeting people where they are). I'd also add that I don't consider this layer self-help or an individual's problem, but rather a necessary structural part of the solution.
Thank you again for the care you've put into this reporting.
Aysha - To clarify, the self-help idea was drawing on this theme consistently expressed by the men we interviewed that they need to "fix" themselves first before they can be in relationship with others. While we believe there's space for personal responsibility, we landed on the conclusion that the responsibility is for families, neighbors, communities, etc. to call these men in, not for these men to solve their isolation alone.
well said. i think a lot about this too. i was excited to see one respondent speak about how they're working on this in therapy. i think we have to look at both policy/system-wide solutions as well as the psychological patterns that many hold, that keep us from the connection we long for.
For sure. I agree it's a both-and. It becomes an issue when therapy is seen as a substitute for genuine relationships, or something that will lead to a mastery of skills and confidence to then and only then qualify you for relationship and community. And we did hear that a few times.
and it's often only in community that this type of healing can actually happen. bit of a chicken or egg situation. but this is why men's groups can be so powerful. i'm wondering if any of these men have explored that option.
This is interesting... I do wonder what role socio-economic position has in this. This research is in the USA, so anyone engaging in higher education is likely to be from a higher socio-economic position, which means that their work and life upkeep hours are reduced, plus they have greater choice in where they live. Those two things are pretty helpful for maintaining social connections, but are luxuries that those on the lower end of the socio-economic scale late.
I would like to see this research where higher education isn't so tethered to socio-economic background to see if it is replicated.
Of Boys and Men by Richard Reeves that I read two years ago seems like the best prologue for the foundation of this project. It is the forgotten men that haven’t had the chance or equal opportunity to have the same access to social mobility in a long time. While their grievances and struggles are being exploited and taken advantage of by grifters and bad faith politicians, there is a real policy and societal need to address these issues among men to fix some of the structural problems American society faces.
Almost completely displaced by commission. But let's fight for the distant bugger. The wrong is at so many levels. Being misguided and duplicitous toward our fellow citizens is treasonous.
Thank you for highlighting this concerning matter.
I am thinking of the men who set up lawn chairs in our town center every morning and have a cup of coffee together: publicly, visibly. I am thinking of donut and dads, I am thinking of service organizations and makerspaces, of libraries and so so many solutions.
However, this is what worries me: Because men are deeply, deeply saddened by their isolation and scared and angry. Instead of seeking connection, they’ve turned their sadness at not having the same connections women have into relationship ownership fantasies and POLICIES where women’s bodies must be controlled and punished.
How do you find joy when you seek to imprison others? Did you dig into that?
This backlash against women’s bodies—do men see it as a result of the loneliness crisis?
This strikes me as a place to explore positive deviance: men’s social circles that are working fine already. They must exist versus trying to impose solutions. The latter seems like a dead end to me, the former seems like something worth digging into.
what incredibly important, insightful work. So glad you are uplifting these voices rather than just theorizing about them
incredible work as always.
i've only read this essay so far. excited to read the full report. but i'm curious if these men have attempted to engage with local religious communities, men's groups, or other accessible spaces where they might find connection and form new relationships.
also, i'm curious about the relational dynamics with the people they work with. do they struggle to form relationships through work as well?
Suggest reading Chapter 1: Alone and Chapter 6: Stuck. Your questions are answered there.
As a first generation college student who has had to learn the skills of connection, it's a challenging uphill climb to learn something that is inherited by most people at a subconscious level in early childhood.
A key part of being able to be relational is having a strong connection to Self, and being able to hold that connection in relationships is the challenge. The depth of a relationship is based on the degree to which you can maintain that connection to Self while being connected in relationship.
I think the real challenge in inviting these men into relationship is making the space for the men who are likely out of step with the community in some ways. This creates friction as the community wants to move faster than the men are ready to move. Slowing our modern life down to make space for real connecting is critical to forming those bonds.
100%
i actually wrote about this today(with the addition of a third field of belonging in addition to self and community).
if you're interested: https://davidspinks.substack.com/p/the-three-fields-of-belonging
Thanks David for sharing. I deeply resonate with your experience. I've been describing the sense of belonging that you are writing about almost like another sensory experience. When you aren't connected/belonging in those three dimensions, you can kind of sense that you are missing something, but you aren't totally sure. But when you have it, it's like a whole new field of vision and way of being.
exactly! feels good to know it resonates with your experience. appreciate you reading and sharing.
Sam and team, thank you for this important piece and for making the invisible visible. I know I will be thinking about this in the weeks and months ahead.
In my experience of long-term loneliness (though as a highly educated woman), I'd like to offer that it is possible to yearn for connection, have the opportunities to connect, and still not find the meaningful relationships you're looking for. To be clear, I absolutely agree that we need more safe, communal structures/spaces that we can participate in and belong to, in addition to substantive policy changes that strengthen the material foundation for working-class life.
But I have also seen that those who have not been connected for a long time develop patterns and behaviours that maintain their loneliness, many of which are automatic and even subconscious, and no amount of yearning or opportunity can override them. For example, hypervigilance to social threat, fear of intimacy and cognitive distortions around rejection. How they are addressed will vary by population (e.g., meeting people where they are). I'd also add that I don't consider this layer self-help or an individual's problem, but rather a necessary structural part of the solution.
Thank you again for the care you've put into this reporting.
Aysha - To clarify, the self-help idea was drawing on this theme consistently expressed by the men we interviewed that they need to "fix" themselves first before they can be in relationship with others. While we believe there's space for personal responsibility, we landed on the conclusion that the responsibility is for families, neighbors, communities, etc. to call these men in, not for these men to solve their isolation alone.
well said. i think a lot about this too. i was excited to see one respondent speak about how they're working on this in therapy. i think we have to look at both policy/system-wide solutions as well as the psychological patterns that many hold, that keep us from the connection we long for.
For sure. I agree it's a both-and. It becomes an issue when therapy is seen as a substitute for genuine relationships, or something that will lead to a mastery of skills and confidence to then and only then qualify you for relationship and community. And we did hear that a few times.
agreed.
and it's often only in community that this type of healing can actually happen. bit of a chicken or egg situation. but this is why men's groups can be so powerful. i'm wondering if any of these men have explored that option.
Thank you. Wonderful work. So important. Bless you all for doing this.
I am motivated to help.
Thank you for this important, thoughtful and timely work.
This is interesting... I do wonder what role socio-economic position has in this. This research is in the USA, so anyone engaging in higher education is likely to be from a higher socio-economic position, which means that their work and life upkeep hours are reduced, plus they have greater choice in where they live. Those two things are pretty helpful for maintaining social connections, but are luxuries that those on the lower end of the socio-economic scale late.
I would like to see this research where higher education isn't so tethered to socio-economic background to see if it is replicated.
Of Boys and Men by Richard Reeves that I read two years ago seems like the best prologue for the foundation of this project. It is the forgotten men that haven’t had the chance or equal opportunity to have the same access to social mobility in a long time. While their grievances and struggles are being exploited and taken advantage of by grifters and bad faith politicians, there is a real policy and societal need to address these issues among men to fix some of the structural problems American society faces.
Almost completely displaced by commission. But let's fight for the distant bugger. The wrong is at so many levels. Being misguided and duplicitous toward our fellow citizens is treasonous.
Thank you for highlighting this concerning matter.
Or a GDP focused on social resilience?
I am thinking of the men who set up lawn chairs in our town center every morning and have a cup of coffee together: publicly, visibly. I am thinking of donut and dads, I am thinking of service organizations and makerspaces, of libraries and so so many solutions.
However, this is what worries me: Because men are deeply, deeply saddened by their isolation and scared and angry. Instead of seeking connection, they’ve turned their sadness at not having the same connections women have into relationship ownership fantasies and POLICIES where women’s bodies must be controlled and punished.
How do you find joy when you seek to imprison others? Did you dig into that?
This backlash against women’s bodies—do men see it as a result of the loneliness crisis?
This strikes me as a place to explore positive deviance: men’s social circles that are working fine already. They must exist versus trying to impose solutions. The latter seems like a dead end to me, the former seems like something worth digging into.
I tried to include this specialization on the online marketing site for Psychology Today and they refused to publish it.
Vested interest?